On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
