My sheets look like a crime scene.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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