Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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