Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
