I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
