He kissed a someone with a penis
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
BRING THE BAGELS
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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