I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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