woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
