Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Randomize
