I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
