I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
