I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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