The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
