This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
