My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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