did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
