Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize