this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
