Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
