I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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