Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
