if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
