I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize