I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Randomize