Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
