I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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