He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
