tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
pray to the hookup gods
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
