I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
