either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
