Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
