Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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