I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
