I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
