My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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