why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
