i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize