my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
