We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
