so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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