we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
