My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
