Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
