ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
