he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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