before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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