Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
