The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
