I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
