Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
