You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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