The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize
