if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
