shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
