i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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