Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
