sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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